Finding Peace at the End of Life: A Death Doula’s Guide for Families and Caregivers

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“Beautiful, poignant, pitch perfect and accessible . . . a road-map for clinicians, patients, family members, and caregivers”—BJ Miller, MD, author of A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death

This groundbreaking book encourages us to face our fears and engage in an open, honest dialog about death.  Here, longtime “death doula” Henry Fersko-Weiss helps the dying discover meaning in their lives, express that meaning in powerful and beautiful legacies, and plan for their final days with dignity.

The doula approach to death emphasizes thoughtful planning for how the last days should look, sound, and feel, and encourages the use of touch, guided imagery, and ritual during the dying process. It also calls for around-the-clock vigil care, which provides emotional and spiritual support for both the dying person and their loved ones.

From the Publisher

The fullest expression of the end-of-life doula approach may be embodied in specially trained individuals. But everyone can learn from the principles and techniques of death doulas, transforming their own experience as a dying person or family caregiver. This book is dedicated to helping anyone learn the guiding principles of this new approach to dying and conveying the spirit that animates it through the stories presented.

Deep Active Listening

Probably the most important thing anyone an do for a dying person and their loved ones is to truly listen to them. The activity of listening is at the heart of the doula approach. It allows a person to share their fears, regrets, frustrations, longing for God, brokenness, love—the whole swarm of emotions and thoughts that buzz around inside them. For someone to share these deeper parts of themselves, they must feel that they will not be judged, have their feelings changed, or have ideas imposed on them. This act of true listening—what I refer to as “deep active listening”—lays the foundation for all emotional and spiritual support. It is a gift of compassion that family can give to a dying person and to each other.

Creating Legacy Projects

Legacy is the impact a person has had—conscious or unconscious—on the people and world around them. Simply by living, a person has impact. In being a part of a family, raising children, participating in a circle of friends, going to work, taking a role in the community, in every sphere of life, a person leaves their imprint, just as walking across wet cement will leave footprints that solidify and remain. Most of the time, a person moves through the events of their life without thinking much about their legacy, in the same way that they probably didn’t consider meaning. But in the doula approach to end of life, meaning and legacy are two of the most important elements preceding the time a person will start actively dying.

Planning for the Final Days

Planning for the last days of life is another important aspect of the doula approach to caring for the dying. Most people don’t plan, because they try to stay focused on the immediate care demands and sustaining as much of their normal daily life as possible. These tactics help everyone keep thoughts of death at bay. It is like walking along a narrow ledge of a mountain pass; you don’t look over the edge to contemplate how high you are or what would happen if you fell. Instead, you watch the ground a little bit in front of you and pretend this is just a normal stroll in the outdoors. Otherwise, you could lose your balance or become immobilized by fear.

Reprocessing and Grief

When doulas return to visit family some weeks after a death, their primary goal is to help family understand the dying experience they have so recently lived through. They lead the family through an examination of the physical decline, the staggering challenges they faced in caring for their loved one, the roller coaster ride of emotions, and the indelible moments of love and insight. There is perhaps no other common human experience with such intense highs and lows compressed into only a few days. Nor is there a human experience that can scar so deeply or offer such rich opportunity for self-discovery. Its impact can reverberate across the lives of survivors until they die. At the same time, it is terrain we must all traverse at some point.

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Red Wheel
Publication date ‏ : ‎ August 1, 2020
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Print length ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 159003502X
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1590035023
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 15.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.9 x 0.7 x 8.9 inches